David Beckham

While watching Victoria impersonate a thin sheet of paper in their LA home

"I don't want to go to Tottenham, but Vic says she'll put me in the dark room again if I don't. I don't like it in there. Apparently we need the money.

Sometimes I wake up at night and she's hovering above me just staring at my face. Is that normal? She says it's just something she does, like some people wake up and read - she levitates. Sometimes if the badgers are making a racket in the garden she'll fly out and eat them, which is really handy because if I don't get eight hours sleep I actually look like Peter Beardsley, but I don't like it when she has fur in her teeth. Vic has said if I ever leave her she'll make me look like Peter Beardsley forever.

Once when I went to play on the swings after training without asking she made me wet myself using telekinesis, took a picture of me with her eyes and then threatened to post it on the internet.

I don't know how much I'll be getting paid at Spurs, Vic looks after that side of things. But she says it's enough to get a studio in Wood Green and maybe a new pair of boots from JJB. She's staying in LA. I'm a bit scared, but I'll be taking my rape alarm and pepper spray.

Vic says Spurs is the best place for me since everyone else in the team is really ugly, so I'll be mega-popular with the fans. She says Gareth Bale is 43% spider monkey and that Luka Modric looks like he's been passed through a mangle, put in a hessian bag and beaten with a mallet. I don't know what she means but agree, otherwise she hits me.

The good thing is I'll definitely get in the team. She says Aaron Lennon is going to get an injury. Don't know how she knows that.

Oh no she's looking at me, shit her eyes are rotating. Oh god she's in my head - "David you little fuckwit, I've told you not to think". Sorry Vics. I wish you wouldn't come at me like that, with your feet not touching the floor. Please don't hurt me, at least don't bruise the face."