A cow

While gently nuzzling passing ramblers

"FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK OFF ME. Don't touch my nose, don't touch my fucking nose. Ah! You cock! You touched it. I fucking hate people touching my nose.

And no more shitting apples. Or bits of grass from the roadside - they're always covered in PISS. PLEASE! Bring me a lamb chop, in fact bring me a whole lamb.

I tell you those lambs may look cute but they're even more fucked up than us. Give them half a chance and a pair of hands and they'd come at you with a crowbar. Wouldn't stop until your face was a bloody, meaty soup. They're the rentals of the farmyard, full of hate. But then it's your fault for frickin' eating them isn't it, they don't give a shit - they'll be dead in a few months.

Talking of which, any of you cunts have a steak last night? Come on I dare you, admit it. That could've been my family. Just give me any excuse and I'll go for you with my...

...With my fucking blunt molars. If nature's so frickin' clever why haven't we evolved anything of any use to anyone who's relatives keep getting eaten? You've been killing us on an industrial scale for thousands of years. THOUSANDS. But nothing.

Scorpions, their tails can put you in hospital, get whipped by the piece of crap on my ass and you'd think someone had just rubbed a cashmere sock across your face. And that's my best twatting weapon.

I'm so full of rage. But all I can do is chew. Slowly. While mournfully letting you stroke my face."