Stephen Hawking

While juggling in his University of Cambridge office

"Gravitational singularity, cosmic inflation and, best of all, the density fucking matrix.

I made them all up just to get laid."

George Osborne

Sitting in his office stroking the head of a small man chained to a radiator

"Fucking Dave never goes for my ideas. So I said: "Dave let's build a giant staircase into the sky, pay someone to stand at the bottom shouting 'free Rustlers burgers this way' and wham bam, before you know it half the population - the dirty half - would be plummeting to their deaths. We could then mash them up and sell them on to hot dog vendors as reconstituted meat. Cutting benefit claimants, creating revenue. Perfect."

"This isn't a time to be paying people to shout George. The country wouldn't stand for it. And we'd need to buy a machine to crush those bones. People don't want gristle in their sausages. Where would we get the money for that?"

That's it. That's all he said. What the fuck is wrong with him at the moment?"

The Queen

Taking off her slap before bed

"I hope Philip doesn't wet the bed tonight, you just can't wake him up when he's muntered. I better put the mattress protector on. What a faff.

Charles is coming over tomorrow. I really have nothing to say to him, all I do is stare into his big floppy face and those weighty, sagging eyes and think 'there's so much going on in there. And most of it's bollocks'. He'll just drone on about how we must save the environment but how ugly wind turbines are and how many innocent birds they kill. Give. A. Shit. No bird is innocent that's why I shoot so fucking many of the bastards.

Anyway there's no point in worrying about the icecaps now, we're all fucked. He should just enjoy life, lighten up a bit. That's what I'm doing - Harry is coming over later with a few wraps of MDMA. I'm going to get so loved up I might mount a corgi."

Ed Balls

At his desk in his new office

"Shadow fucking Chancellor, you hear that Dave? You hear that Tony? Shadow fucking Chancellor. My balls, my Ed balls, are so full of economic spunk right now and I'm going to shoot it all over the faces of those smug Tory cunts. Take that Osborne, right in your fucking eye. Feel it sting. Have some salty Keynesian juice in your cuts. Ouch. Ha.

Can't decide when's the best time to burst in and body slam Ed. I'm gonna pin the little fucker down with my mighty weight. I'll only get off when he says 'Ed your economic balls are so big, I should have grabbed them right from the start.'

Getting Johnson's bodyguard on the payroll was the best thing I ever did. He's a good lad. I wouldn't have done it. Not when I've got Coops at home waiting for a taste of my balls and some dirty free market talk.

I'm a massive political beast and I'm going to roar right here, right now, in my office..."

John Prescott

During a debate in the House of Lords

"If I had a chip every time some pretty young girl said: "Prescott I want my first time to be special", I'd be as fat as a fuckin' hippo."

Sarah Palin

While peering through the sight of her sniper rifle in Alaska

“I wish folks would understand that when I say things, I generally don’t know what they mean.

Those journalists and politicians in Washington keep twisting my words to make it look like I mean what they actually mean. That’s just dawg gone stupid!

All I know is masturbating in front of Oprah is just plain as hell wrong, polar bears have got it coming and if you want a shooting done properly, gosh golly do it yourself.

That’s the kind of plain talking that’ll get me elected as President of the United Plates of America.

Now just edge a little closer you fuzzy ball of loveliness, I wanna splat your guts all over the snow.”

A cow

While gently nuzzling passing ramblers

"FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK OFF ME. Don't touch my nose, don't touch my fucking nose. Ah! You cock! You touched it. I fucking hate people touching my nose.

And no more shitting apples. Or bits of grass from the roadside - they're always covered in PISS. PLEASE! Bring me a lamb chop, in fact bring me a whole lamb.

I tell you those lambs may look cute but they're even more fucked up than us. Give them half a chance and a pair of hands and they'd come at you with a crowbar. Wouldn't stop until your face was a bloody, meaty soup. They're the rentals of the farmyard, full of hate. But then it's your fault for frickin' eating them isn't it, they don't give a shit - they'll be dead in a few months.

Talking of which, any of you cunts have a steak last night? Come on I dare you, admit it. That could've been my family. Just give me any excuse and I'll go for you with my...

...With my fucking blunt molars. If nature's so frickin' clever why haven't we evolved anything of any use to anyone who's relatives keep getting eaten? You've been killing us on an industrial scale for thousands of years. THOUSANDS. But nothing.

Scorpions, their tails can put you in hospital, get whipped by the piece of crap on my ass and you'd think someone had just rubbed a cashmere sock across your face. And that's my best twatting weapon.

I'm so full of rage. But all I can do is chew. Slowly. While mournfully letting you stroke my face."

David Beckham

While watching Victoria impersonate a thin sheet of paper in their LA home

"I don't want to go to Tottenham, but Vic says she'll put me in the dark room again if I don't. I don't like it in there. Apparently we need the money.

Sometimes I wake up at night and she's hovering above me just staring at my face. Is that normal? She says it's just something she does, like some people wake up and read - she levitates. Sometimes if the badgers are making a racket in the garden she'll fly out and eat them, which is really handy because if I don't get eight hours sleep I actually look like Peter Beardsley, but I don't like it when she has fur in her teeth. Vic has said if I ever leave her she'll make me look like Peter Beardsley forever.

Once when I went to play on the swings after training without asking she made me wet myself using telekinesis, took a picture of me with her eyes and then threatened to post it on the internet.

I don't know how much I'll be getting paid at Spurs, Vic looks after that side of things. But she says it's enough to get a studio in Wood Green and maybe a new pair of boots from JJB. She's staying in LA. I'm a bit scared, but I'll be taking my rape alarm and pepper spray.

Vic says Spurs is the best place for me since everyone else in the team is really ugly, so I'll be mega-popular with the fans. She says Gareth Bale is 43% spider monkey and that Luka Modric looks like he's been passed through a mangle, put in a hessian bag and beaten with a mallet. I don't know what she means but agree, otherwise she hits me.

The good thing is I'll definitely get in the team. She says Aaron Lennon is going to get an injury. Don't know how she knows that.

Oh no she's looking at me, shit her eyes are rotating. Oh god she's in my head - "David you little fuckwit, I've told you not to think". Sorry Vics. I wish you wouldn't come at me like that, with your feet not touching the floor. Please don't hurt me, at least don't bruise the face."

Mother Teresa

In heaven

"There's loads of suicide bombers coming in expecting 72 virgins but guess what? I'm the only fricking virgin up here.

I spend all my life saying "no" to smack and cock, and all I get is a load of sex-starved maniacs trying it on. For. Eternity. Not sure why I bothered."