On Christmas Eve at his mother's house
"If Ed gets a bigger train set than me I'm going to fucking nut the twat."
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Sunday, 12 December 2010
Prince Charles
During tea with the Queen
"Pum, pum, pum byeya, pum, pum, pum, byeya. And we all stand together.
He he, the Frog Chorus.
Must book Camila in for a tetanus jab, I think one of those students touched her.
I can't believe my mum's the queen. Imagine that. She's certainly better than your mum. He he.
Oh God I'm bored."
"Pum, pum, pum byeya, pum, pum, pum, byeya. And we all stand together.
He he, the Frog Chorus.
Must book Camila in for a tetanus jab, I think one of those students touched her.
I can't believe my mum's the queen. Imagine that. She's certainly better than your mum. He he.
Oh God I'm bored."
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Vince Cable
During Prime Minister's Questions
"One, two, cha cha cha
Three, four, cha cha cha.
Hold your lines Vince, hold your lines.
One, two, cha cha cha
Three, four, cha cha cha"
"One, two, cha cha cha
Three, four, cha cha cha.
Hold your lines Vince, hold your lines.
One, two, cha cha cha
Three, four, cha cha cha"
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Nick Clegg
During a policy briefing with David Cameron at Number 10
"Right, this is it, I'm drawing a line in the sand.
There is no sand, nice tiles though, I wonder where they come from? I'll ask Samantha.
Ok I'll sketch a line on the tiles. A Biro wouldn't work, I'll need some kind of marker pen and a metre ruler. Haven't seen one of those since school, I'll get big Danny on that. Mental note: Get big Danny onto that.
Right, 'David, I just can't agree to that'. Or maybe 'Dave, you know that just won't wash' is better. Just got to say it.
Here goes...
One, two, three...
Mmmm his face is so smooth, I wonder if he'd let me lick it. I bet it tastes of raspberry blancmange...
Oh shit, did I just agree to something? Wonder what it was, I hope it was fair. And will the party members go for it, whatever it is? At least there aren't too many to convince these days.
He's stopped talking... God he's looking at me with those big eyes. I wish I could dive into them and swim around his brain. Better nod and look serious."
"Right, this is it, I'm drawing a line in the sand.
There is no sand, nice tiles though, I wonder where they come from? I'll ask Samantha.
Ok I'll sketch a line on the tiles. A Biro wouldn't work, I'll need some kind of marker pen and a metre ruler. Haven't seen one of those since school, I'll get big Danny on that. Mental note: Get big Danny onto that.
Right, 'David, I just can't agree to that'. Or maybe 'Dave, you know that just won't wash' is better. Just got to say it.
Here goes...
One, two, three...
Mmmm his face is so smooth, I wonder if he'd let me lick it. I bet it tastes of raspberry blancmange...
Oh shit, did I just agree to something? Wonder what it was, I hope it was fair. And will the party members go for it, whatever it is? At least there aren't too many to convince these days.
He's stopped talking... God he's looking at me with those big eyes. I wish I could dive into them and swim around his brain. Better nod and look serious."
Monday, 29 November 2010
Simon Cowell
During Saturday's show
"If I wrapped myself in all my money I wonder if I'd survive a nuclear bomb? That would leave me and the cockroaches. Could be worse... What the hell is that noise? Fuck it's Tesco Mary, God she's actually shouting in my face, 'I love, I love you', if she gets any closer I'll be sucked into her mouth. She's never going to win, I never let fat people win, apart from Michelle McManus but that was just to prove fat doesn't sell. Where is she now? Probably shoulder deep in a bucket of KFC.
"Fuck me I look good in a pair of shorts, glad it got into Heat. Especially since I was next to that fat cunt Philip Green - he looks like he's swallowed a balloon and then inflated it inside his stomach using a long tube and a bicycle pump.
"God the talking brussel sprout is squeaking, 'you're an inspiration to women everywhere.' Yeah if you want to look like a trucker, 'Mary I want you here next week.' I think she's just eaten the microphone."
"If I wrapped myself in all my money I wonder if I'd survive a nuclear bomb? That would leave me and the cockroaches. Could be worse... What the hell is that noise? Fuck it's Tesco Mary, God she's actually shouting in my face, 'I love, I love you', if she gets any closer I'll be sucked into her mouth. She's never going to win, I never let fat people win, apart from Michelle McManus but that was just to prove fat doesn't sell. Where is she now? Probably shoulder deep in a bucket of KFC.
"Fuck me I look good in a pair of shorts, glad it got into Heat. Especially since I was next to that fat cunt Philip Green - he looks like he's swallowed a balloon and then inflated it inside his stomach using a long tube and a bicycle pump.
"God the talking brussel sprout is squeaking, 'you're an inspiration to women everywhere.' Yeah if you want to look like a trucker, 'Mary I want you here next week.' I think she's just eaten the microphone."
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Justin Bieber
While performing on the X Factor
"I need a wank. Cheryl's nice. I could do with a wank. Wankedy wank. When I get home I think i'll have a wank."
"I need a wank. Cheryl's nice. I could do with a wank. Wankedy wank. When I get home I think i'll have a wank."
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