Simon Cowell

During Saturday's show

"If I wrapped myself in all my money I wonder if I'd survive a nuclear bomb? That would leave me and the cockroaches. Could be worse... What the hell is that noise? Fuck it's Tesco Mary, God she's actually shouting in my face, 'I love, I love you', if she gets any closer I'll be sucked into her mouth. She's never going to win, I never let fat people win, apart from Michelle McManus but that was just to prove fat doesn't sell. Where is she now? Probably shoulder deep in a bucket of KFC.

"Fuck me I look good in a pair of shorts, glad it got into Heat. Especially since I was next to that fat cunt Philip Green - he looks like he's swallowed a balloon and then inflated it inside his stomach using a long tube and a bicycle pump.

"God the talking brussel sprout is squeaking, 'you're an inspiration to women everywhere.' Yeah if you want to look like a trucker, 'Mary I want you here next week.' I think she's just eaten the microphone."

Justin Bieber

While performing on the X Factor

"I need a wank. Cheryl's nice. I could do with a wank. Wankedy wank. When I get home I think i'll have a wank."